Eight Dates: An Intimate Conversation with John and Julie Gottman

Couples often connect and fall in love by talking. But what conversations should a new couple have to know if their love will last a lifetime – through challenges, surprises, joy, and pain? And if a couple has been in a relationship for years, what conversations should they have to reinvigorate the connection and passion that first brought them together, but may have become routine?

In their latest book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, leading marriage and family researchers John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D. offer empowering ways to discover the love each partner wants and deserves. The Gottmans have identified eight important topics that can make or break a relationship, and they guide couples through eight conversation-driven dates, describing how to talk (and listen) in a way that will be beneficial for the individual and the couple. Empirically tested on 300 couples (heterosexual and same-sex at various stages of their relationships), the dates nurture bonds in new relationships and renew intimacy in long-term ones.

The Gottmans have been studying relationships for over 25 years, and are experts in couples’ therapy, marriage and divorce. The “Gottman Method” goals are to “disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.” Emotional attunement and non-defensive listening – we can all benefit from those skills!

For the March 14 Grand Rounds, Maru Torres-Gregory, JD, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed marital and family therapist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, where she is also the clinical supervisor and faculty instructor of the Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program.